Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
