Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
