My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
