There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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