Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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