I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
