The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
