I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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