I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
