A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
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