he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
