Is it normal to miss your booty call?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
