I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
