Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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