The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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