dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
