Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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