She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
