Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
