So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
