And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
