well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
