too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
