Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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