marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
