just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
