kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
