they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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