i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
