Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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