My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
