I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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