i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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