Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
