I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
