Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
