I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
