i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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