I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
