I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
