Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
