I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
