You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
