I think I won the penis lottery.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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