we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
