It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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