dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
