I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
