He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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