3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just want nice things and good sex
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
