My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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