In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
