my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
