oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
