u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
