dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
